Why We Struggle With Putting Ourselves First

In the daily hustle and bustle of life, putting ourselves first has proven to be a challenge many of us struggle with.

You would think that loving ourselves would come naturally, considering we have no problem expressing it to others. However, when it comes to prioritizing our needs, we tend to fall short. Why is it that we put the needs of others before our own?

We live in a world that emphasizes and glamorizes selflessness and altruism, so it can feel unnatural or even selfish to tend to your needs first. Many people, especially those who were taught to prioritize the needs of others, may consider it challenging to pay attention to their own. However, making a habit of ignoring your own needs can result in burnout, resentment, and losing yourself in the process.

Understanding why we struggle to make ourselves a priority is the first step in liberating ourselves from unhealthy patterns and cultivating a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Here are some reasons that may explain why we put ourselves on the back burner: 

Cultural and Social Conditioning

It’s how we’ve been programmed.

As children, it was instilled in us to be kind, considerate, and helpful towards others. There isn’t anything wrong with that, as those are good characteristics to have. However, we were also taught that we should place the needs and happiness of everyone close to us above our own. If we prioritize others, we’re applauded for being “generous” or “selfless”. Anything other than that is considered “difficult” and “self-centered.”

So we carry that mindset with us into adulthood. As we get older, our responsibilities increase, and we push ourselves further and further down our to-do list until we are at the bottom. Eventually, this leads to a cycle of self-neglect.

Women, especially, have been conditioned to put the needs of others before their own, particularly those who get married and have children. But many men have also been guilty of doing the same.

Caregivers and empaths are also impacted by these expectations and are taught that their worth is found in taking care of others.

We struggle to put ourselves first because religious or moral teachings promote self-sacrifice.

We struggle to put ourselves first because we’re taught that being selfless equates to being of good moral character. This ideology is reinforced by religious and cultural teachings that associate self-prioritization with ego, or selfishness, while elevating humility and self-sacrifice as virtues. Over time, these beliefs become internalized, making it challenging for you to consider your own needs without feeling guilty.

We want to please the people around us.

If you’re like most individuals, you probably put a lot of weight on what others think. Given that many people want to be liked by others, this is a common reaction. So we put ourselves last to avoid disappointing those around us.

However, it becomes an issue when you begin people-pleasing to the point where it negatively impacts your own emotional and mental health, which can lead to stress and anxiety.

Prioritizing your own needs helps you control the urge to try to make everyone else happy without jeopardizing your own happiness.

Fear-Based Patterns

We struggle to put ourselves first because we’re afraid of disapproval, rejection, or abandonment.

Fear is one of the main reasons we avoid putting ourselves first. We’re afraid of disappointing others, being judged, or losing relationships. If you have ever said yes when you really meant no, it was probably due to fear of conflict, rejection, or upsetting your loved ones. This fear may stem from past experiences where asserting yourself resulted in backlash or abandonment.

We struggle to put ourselves first because want to avoid conflict.

A common reason why many of us struggle with putting ourselves first is to avoid conflict. It’s easier to say yes, because saying no often creates friction, and we really just want to keep the peace. So in order to get along, we go along, and we continue to put others’ needs above our own. However, that only works against us because not only do we become burned out, but we rob ourselves of our own inner peace.

We struggle to put ourselves first because we don’t want to appear selfish.

Many people confuse putting themselves first with being selfish, so in order not to be perceived as inconsiderate, they prioritize others before themselves. However, taking care of ourselves is far from selfish. In fact, it is necessary.

By putting yourself first, you let the care that you extend to others come genuinely and from inner abundance. Also, it allows us to give more to others. But when we don’t make ourselves a priority, we become physically, mentally, and emotionally bankrupt.

How many times have we heard that we should put on our own oxygen masks first before helping someone else with theirs? Or that we can’t pour from an empty cup?  While it is perfectly fine to help others, we must also make sure that we prioritize our own needs.

Related: Why Putting Yourself First Is Necessary For Your Well-Being

We struggle to put ourselves first because we fear change or the unknown.

Change can often be scary. Even if you’re not happy, maintaining familiar roles and routines seems comfortable. Putting yourself first means stepping into new territory; setting boundaries, saying no, and more than likely, disrupting the status quo.

We Truly Want To Help

Human beings have an innate tendency to be altruistic. The desire to assist and support others is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history and the development of social communities. This admirable desire to contribute positively and improve the lives of those around us may occasionally result in a paradoxical situation. As we extend ourselves to help others, we might unintentionally neglect our own needs, perpetuating the struggle to prioritize ourselves.

It’s hard to see the people in your life struggle, so we offer help and support whenever we can. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with helping someone, but not if it’s at your expense. For example, your workplace bestie asks for help with meeting a deadline for a major project, but in order to assist her, you would have to work overtime.

However, you’re supposed to meet your significant other after work for dinner at a trendy restaurant where it’s hard to get a reservation, and a play right after. The tickets were paid months in advance, and the dinner reservation was made a few weeks ago. Now you feel like there’s a dilemma on your hands.

If you stay and help your colleague with the project, you risk either being late or missing the play, which will likely make your partner unhappy. Also, it’s been a while since you spent a night out on the town with your mate, and you have been looking forward to this evening for so long.

If you go out with your significant other, your colleague may not meet the deadline. In this case, I would politely decline and tell them you’re unavailable and suggest they ask someone else to help or try to get an extension.

We want to distract ourselves. 

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that we made someone’s life a little easier because we helped that person. But when our to-do lists are always filled with doing things for others and not for ourselves, it can be a cause for concern.

See, when we are busy helping others, it leaves very little room to focus on ourselves. Sometimes we may constantly pour ourselves into others because we want to escape our own realities and avoid tackling our own issues. We think that by concentrating on others instead, it hides our perceived flaws.

While constantly throwing yourself into helping others can help you evade your problems, it is not a permanent resolution. Eventually, you have to face whatever you need to deal with. If there is difficulty in doing so, always seek help from your loved ones, a life coach, a spiritual advisor, or a good therapist.

We expect the same from others.

When we go out of our way to help someone,  it is usually out of the kindness of our hearts. While it may seem altruistic, are we also hoping that we get the same actions in return?

We put others before ourselves because we feel it’s the noble thing to do. But we may feel taken for granted when others don’t reciprocate what we do for them.

So when we put others first, we believe that they will do the same for us, if they truly want to be as good to us as we are to them. But nothing could be further from the truth.

By hoping and expecting others to be the same as we are, or act like we do, we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment. Just because we feel taken advantage of doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is actually doing so. It’s just that you made yourself available, and they jumped at the opportunity. Also, sometimes the person isn’t in the position to help you in the same way you help them.

The thing is, how can we expect someone to view us as a priority when we don’t view ourselves as one?

Need-Based & Co-Dependent Relationships

We engage in relationships that are based on need, not love. 

Sometimes we’ll put others over ourselves, not only because we want to help, but also to feel needed. Our relationships, whether with family, friends, or romantic partners, play a pivotal role in how we view ourselves, our self-worth, and how we prioritize our own needs.

Due to societal expectations and cultural norms, we’re often pushed to establish relationships based on need instead of love. We may approach connections in search of validation, security, or companionship, inadvertently undervaluing the importance of emotional resonance and genuine connection.

We struggle to put ourselves first because we are in a codependent relationship.

In many need-based connections, a person can be overly reliant on the relationship. This is a codependent relationship in which one party enables another person’s self-destructive or irresponsible behavior. The relationship is unhealthy and unbalanced, and one person usually takes on the role as the caregiver. Codependency can be present in familial, friendships, or romantic connections.

For example, let’s just say that Person “A” makes decent money or even an average salary, and is in a relationship with Person “B” who is not only toxic, but financially strapped. Also, Person “B” is a verbally abusive, gaslighting philanderer who always asks for money and doesn’t respect the relationship. However, whenever Person “B” gets paid, they leave home, calls go to voicemail, and they can never be found. They spend their money on luxury clothes, partying, weed, liquor, and the rest is gambled away. When the coins run out, Person “B” comes back home and asks Person “A” for money. Also, Person B struggles with steady employment because they’re constantly high.

Person “A” gives Person “B” the money, even if it leaves them in a bind, because being the “caretaker” gives them a sense of satisfaction. But at the same time, Person “A” feels unappreciated, resentful, and angry because of Person “B”’s behavior, but they choose to repress their emotions. However, despite the red flags, they continue to stay, not necessarily because they’re in love, but because they feel needed. Person “A” thinks that being the breadwinner of the relationship gives them the upper hand. Person “B” stays because Person “A” allows them to do what they want without much consequence.

Part of codependency is prioritizing the needs of others over your own.

How does this example relate to putting others’ needs above your own, you ask? Well, according to research, codependent behaviors usually involve some form of self-sacrifice and placing another person over yourself. Codependency also includes being fixated on others, having a perceived sense of control, and a struggle with identifying and expressing emotions.

Person “A” is staying in a relationship that does not serve their best interest. They are settling for less and keeping themselves from finding a mutually fulfilling partnership, and wasting time that could have been spent on self-improvement or doing things they enjoy.

Person “B” is codependent as well. He loves Person “A” based on needs. Person “A” gives Person “B” a place to stay without financial contribution. Although Person “A” may throw Person “B” out when they discover Person “B”’s infidelity, Person “A” always takes them back.

This relationship isn’t good for Person “B” either. They’re rarely held accountable for their actions, thus hindering their ability to exude responsible behavior. Also, it stunts their personal growth. Person “B” opts to rely on Person “A” for money when the funds dry out instead of practicing responsible financial management, increasing income streams, and getting rid of expensive, bad habits.

Unawareness and Habitual Behavior

We may not be aware that we are doing it.

Because we’re so used to putting others’ needs above our own, we may not even realize that we’re doing it, almost like being on autopilot. Prioritizing others before ourselves has been ingrained in us so much that it becomes like second nature.

Sometimes, we don’t put ourselves first simply because we’ve never questioned the pattern. It feels normal to overextend ourselves, offer help at our own expense, or downplay our needs. We may not even be aware that it’s an issue if those around us do the same thing.

We help out of habit and not intentionally.

Helping others becomes a habitual reaction instead of a conscious choice. We forget to stop and ask, “Is this coming from love or out of obligation?” or “What am I in need of at this moment?

But sometimes it’s only when life becomes overwhelming, we decide that maybe we’re in over our heads. For example, an illness may be the wake-up call that forces us to prioritize our well-being.

Low Self-Worth and Identity Issues

We struggle to put ourselves first because we don’t know our worth.

The challenge of self-worth is at the core of the struggle to prioritize ourselves. Sometimes we put others first because we grapple with a lack of self-awareness, and we underestimate our own value. This can be caused by a number of things, including childhood conditioning, past experiences, or external messages that imply our worth is based on our ability to cater to the needs of others.

We struggle to put ourselves first because we believe the needs of others are more important.

Sometimes we struggle to put ourselves first because we think others’ needs are more important than our own. For instance, you’re preparing a meal, and a relative calls about family drama. The recipe requires concentration, but it’s difficult to do so if you’re on the phone. Your relative insists you continue the conversation, but you got off work late and your stomach is growling.

In this case, kindly tell your relative that you’ll call them back after you’ve finished cooking and eaten. You’re worthy of a delicious, nourishing meal that isn’t burnt. That drama is just going to have to wait.

Another example, your friend wants help with a presentation for a meeting with their client, and the appointment is the next day. However, you have a project of your own that you need to deliver to your client. Although yours isn’t due for another three days, you also have a full-time job and a second business. Today is the only day you can dedicate to your project. Even though your friend’s situation may be urgent, you have your own matters. Tell the friend that you have work to do as well. Also, you could offer your friend a certain amount of time to help them with their project, so that you have time to work on yours.

Everyone has situations that are important, and unless it’s a medical emergency or a life-threatening circumstance, it’s essential to remember that “their” priority doesn’t override your priority.

We associate our value and identity with how much we care for others.

Feelings of inadequacy lie at the heart of many self-neglecting behaviors. If you believe, even unconsciously, that the needs of others are more important than your own, it becomes easier to ignore them. This usually comes from childhood environments where love and praise were conditional and only given if you were helpful, quiet, or pleasing.

When your identity becomes associated with being the “giver”, “fixer”, or “peacemaker”, the concept of self-prioritization can feel like a betrayal of who you are. This creates an internal struggle: the deeply ingrained ideology of serving others is so strong that it overrides the desire for self-care.

Emotional Manipulation and Conditioning

Some of us have been socialized to feel guilty for establishing boundaries. If we dared to say “no”, we may have been chastised for being self-centered and uncaring. This conditioning can run deep, especially in codependent or toxic dynamics, and is reinforced by partners, friends, family members, or partners who benefit from a lack of boundaries.

People-pleasing becomes a survival mechanism; perhaps we’ll feel safe, loved, or valued if we keep everyone else happy. However, this often results in feeling emotionally drained, and our sense of self deteriorates.

Short Term Validation and Emotional Rewards

Another reason why we struggle with putting ourselves is because of short-term emotional fulfillment and approval from others. Helping others can feel good, at least for the moment. It brings praise, acceptance, and the feeling of being needed. But over time, being reliant on external validation eventually leads to bitterness, resentment, fatigue, and a disconnection from your inner self. It becomes more difficult to realize where others end and you begin.

Also, focusing on the needs of others can serve as a diversion from your own inner work. Resolving someone else’s problems is easier than addressing your emotional wounds, fears, or desires.

Internalized Guilt and Shame

For many of us, the challenge of putting ourselves first is feeling guilty. You might feel bad for resting when others are working, declining a request for your help, or choosing your well-being over another person’s comfort. That guilt can manifest into shame, making you second-guess your right to take up space, have needs, or say no.

In truth, self-care and prioritizing yourself are not selfish; they are necessary. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and the result of constantly giving without replenishment is emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion.

Final Thoughts

Putting yourself first doesn’t imply ignoring others; it’s about taking care of yourself so that you can show up in your life from a place of resilience and fulfillment, rather than depletion. The struggle is real and deeply rooted in emotional and psychological conditioning and cultural and social norms. However, you may start changing these patterns as soon as you recognize them.

The path toward putting ourselves first is a complex exploration that calls for self-awareness, mindfulness, and a conscious effort to rethink our relationship with ourselves and others. By recognizing the unconscious behaviors, understanding the balance between altruism and self-care, reassessing the foundations of our relationships, and cultivating a deep awareness of our self-worth, we can gradually shift the paradigm.

Remember that putting yourself first is not selfish; it’s an essential act of self-care that empowers you to lead a more balanced, satisfying life. Ultimately, self-prioritization makes it possible for you to genuinely and sustainably make a positive contribution to the world.

Although it isn’t always easy, the journey to putting yourself first is certainly worthwhile. You deserve to be a priority on your list, not last, but first.

I hope you found this post helpful.  Do you struggle with putting yourself first? If so, what are the reasons? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Until next time!

Thanks for reading.

Yours truly,

Tracy

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